Dear Doug: a co-worker needs help. What to do?
Co-worker’s drinking costs customers
Dear Doug:
I believe a co-worker’s drinking problem has cost her at least one customer and may cost her many more, culminating in being fired as sales manager. I’m concerned over confronting her, because it could destroy our professional relationship, which I value. Is there any way I can help without a direct confrontation?
Signed,
Concerned co-worker
Dear Codependent,
Other columnists would rightly say you may not be able to help your co-worker, directly or indirectly. If you are direct, you jeopardize your relationship and she may do nothing to change. However, such columnists might suggest that you are ethically-bound to honestly express your observations by saying something like, “I believe your drinking is interfering with your business. I believe in you, so I’m saying this out of concern for you.”
This isn’t bad, but “your drinking” isn’t the problem and the term needlessly assigns blame. The problem is the disease of alcoholism, which causes the afflicted to act badly some of the time. Instead, try this, which she won’t otherwise hear: “I believe, based on my observations of behaviors when you’re drinking, that you have the disease of alcoholism, which sometimes makes you act badly. I know you’re a better woman than that. I believe in the real you, not the false façade that may result in a loss of some of your customers. I’m concerned for you because I care.” You could also add that you know she hasn’t lost control over her drinking, but that when she drinks she has been known to lose control over her behaviors.
Don’t count on this care-frontation getting her sober. However, it could plant the seed that ultimately blooms into sobriety.
(Source for story idea: Ask Amy, January 20, 2011.)