Grandma is denied access to granddaughter. Who’s the addict?
I need an appointment to see my granddaughter. Help!
Dear Doug:
After having babysat my granddaughter for much of the past three years I was no longer needed for the job. Now my daughter is doing everything she can to keep my grandchild from me. She either doesn’t return my calls or says she is too busy; when I can see her, it’s now by appointment only. My daughter seems to be directing all her anger and hatred towards me by denying me access to my only grandchild. Is this common? Are there any support groups for grandparents with similar problems?
Signed,
Estranged from my grandchild
. . . .
Dear Codependent,
Other columnists would tell you that parents sometimes use access to their children to punish their parents. They would suggest you have a toxic relationship that obviously needs healing and that professional help should be sought to help mediate.
Such columnists would be skirting around the likely real issue which, whenever there are serious family problems, is alcoholism. This disease fuels anger and hatred by causing distortions of perception and memory, in particular “euphoric recall,” which makes the alcoholic view everything through self-favoring lenses. This, in turn, causes the person to lay blame on others for any personal or professional problems. Parents, because they are supposed to love their children unconditionally, are terribly convenient targets.
You might want to pick up a copy of “How to Spot Hidden Alcoholics: Using Behavioral Clues to Recognize Addiction in Its Early Stages” for confirmation—if my assessment is correct, you need to stage a professionally-aided intervention. You just might save several lives and relationships.
By the way, you may also benefit by looking inward. While I feel the odds are remote, it’s possible you are the addict from whom your daughter wants to protect her child. Without more information this possibility cannot be ruled out.
(Source for story idea: Ask Amy, July 27, 2010.)