Why the fact that alcoholics really do change is important.
Dear Doug: An addict in recovery
Dear Doug:
I dated a heavy drinker with a violent criminal history who repeatedly lied to and cheated on me. When I understood how deep his issues were, I dumped him. Now, over two years later, he contacts me, admits he is an alcoholic, tells me he has been sober for two years and wants to see me again. I don’t want to be conned yet again, but he was funny, intelligent and a joy to be with when he was on his good behavior. Do people really change?
Signed,
Cares about an addict
. . . .
Dear Disenabler,
Some columnists might respond with a flippant remark such as, “Do you really care?” and suggest that being with a drinking, cheating, lying, violent, criminal is not worth the risk, even if he was sometimes fun and charming. They might suggest you ask yourself what might motivate you to take such chances and to spend a bit of time looking inward.
Indeed. However, we should care about the answer. People do change–especially addicts in recovery. The trouble is recovery is ephemeral. It may last; it may not. Two years or even 20 doesn’t guarantee continued sobriety.
However, the longer sobriety lasts, the lower the risk of relapse. We can generally trust recovering addicts with 15 years of sobriety with our lives. They are usually terrific people and because they have taken pains to deflate the ego are often even more humble than their non-addicted counterparts, who have never been through a program designed to deflate the ego.
I would look at yourself and ask if you just want to “save” him. It may be you could love the real person, who is now only beginning to emerge. If you decide to talk, tread gingerly and read all my books on addiction (especially, Drunks, Drugs & Debits) so that you will not only be able to identify an impending or actual relapse, but also enable you to draw a line in the sand with a clear conscience if needed. Letting him know about your newfound expertise in addiction will likely drive him away if he is not serious about staying sober. If he is serious, it may well add just what is needed to encourage him to stay clean, maybe even for the rest of his life.
The same is true for married people. Many, many married couples overcome addiction in one spouse when the other draws that line–resulting in children of such couples being children of parents in which one is a recovering addict, rather than of divorced parents and a broken home.
(Source for story idea: Carolyn Hax, “Dear Carolyn,” August 22, 2007. From what I’ve seen so far, the column is generally excellent; this was an aberration over which rational people could agree to disagree.)