How could anyone be so self-centered?
Dear Doug: Self-centered brother-in-law
Dear Doug,
A few years ago, I married a wonderful guy. Unfortunately, in the bargain, I got his brother — a rude, overbearing and self-centered man name Patrick. Recently, he asked that we watch his kids while he vacations. We’ve done this before, but not when we were taking care of his sister, who recently moved in with us when she became very sick with cancer and developed a need for constant care.
When I told him over the phone the timing was not right for baby-sitting, he complained that his sister is a whiner and she has the family wrapped around her finger. After trying to reason with him, he swore at me and hung up.
Doug, over the years we have helped Patrick out by working on his house with him, letting him spend time relaxing at our home while I cooked him meals, and even giving him large amounts of money because he has been so fiscally irresponsible. I am stunned by Patrick’s latest outburst, yet his brother, my husband, is coming to his defense. This is threatening our marriage. What should I do?
Signed,
Other-centered
. . . . .
Dear Other-centered,
Other columnists might say you’re stuck with Patrick because he’s family. They might add that while you needn’t let him take advantage, you should allow your husband to continue his close relationship, limiting your time to those occasions when you must be around him.
Such advice ignores the likely crux of the problem. Given the combination of misbehaviors, including extraordinary self-centeredness, taking undue advantage of others, swearing at and hanging up on you for not doing as he pleases, along with repeated fiscal irresponsibility, the odds of alcoholism are very high. It would be surprising if beer, or something stronger, isn’t his beverage of choice when sitting on your sofa enjoying your home-cooked meals.
If alcoholism explains the problem behaviors, abstinence, in conjunction with a program of ego-deflation, is the solution. As long as active addiction continues, the behaviors and attitude problems will only worsen. You need to sit down with your husband and explain your concerns. Tell him that continuing to put up with Patrick’s rotten behaviors only increases the risk that tragedy will occur. Tell him that you hope he joins you in helping Patrick experience the consequences of his behaviors rather than always bailing him out of is problems, unless it’s to baby sit while he’s in rehab. It is crucial to arrest the disease at the earliest opportunity. By doing so, you can help save his life and, in the process, dramatically improve the lives of those with whom he comes into contact.
(Source for story idea: Annie’s Mailbox, June 7, 2005.)