Dear Doug: financial abuse commited by a son, an ex-husband and the parents, all likely alcoholics–but other columnists don’t even consider the idea.
In celebration of the end of Tax Season, I thought it appropriate to include several letters involving financial abuse of others.
Dear Doug:
When my 84-year-old mother returned home from the hospital two years ago after hip surgery, I asked my 40-year-old son, who hadn’t had a job for two years, to help her out (I work full-time, so couldn’t do everything she needs). He takes her shopping and to the doctor, but belittles her continuously. She pays all his bills, gives him spending money and even, apparently, bought him a new car. What should we do?
Signed,
Mother of an Elder Abuser
Dear Codependent,
Other columnists might suggest that you contact the National Center for Elder Abuse and talk to a social worker. They would suggest that if professionals intervene, you should expect your son to cease contact with your mother. They wouldn’t bring up the possibility that alcoholism drives your son’s behaviors, which is by orders of magnitude the best explanation for his behaviors. This explains both the verbal (belittling is a HUGE clue to addiction) and financial abuse (she bought him a new car?!!!), and makes him potentially lethal to your mother (consider the possible consequences if your son is drinking and driving). What are you waiting for? You need to get him out of her life pronto and find other ways to help her (a taxi might be cheaper than the new car).
Dear Doug:
My daughter’s abusive ex-husband has stopped paying child support, yet she can’t seem to move on with her life. She’s broke, often upset by something he has done and tells us she’s always “off-balance,” whatever that means. What can we do to help her move on?
Signed,
Ex-Mother-in-Law of a Wife Abuser
Dear Codependent,
While other columnists would call the ex- a “deadbeat,” they would fail to use the term “alcoholic,” which is by far the best explanation for your ex-son-in-law’s misbehaviors. She hasn’t been able to move on and feels “off-balance” because she doesn’t understand that alcoholics, in a bid to wield power, do all they can to keep their victims in the maelstrom of insanity for as long as possible, which gives them an “off-balance” feeling. This goes on until either the addict is taken out of the picture serendipitously or the victim begins to understand the disease and leaves. Other columnists might suggest that she seek counseling and assistance from her local office of family and children’s services. That’s ok, but she’s far less likely to do what she must without understanding the root cause of the ex’s misbehaviors. Give her a copy of Drunks, Drugs & Debits, which is designed to help codependents grasp the central idea of alcoholism—that addicts must wield power over others and only you can take that power away, removing (as Ayn Rand would have put it) the sanction of the victim. Read it with her so you can repeat some of the ideas to her when appropriate. It may take time, but she’ll eventually get it.
Dear Doug,
My divorced-but-living-together parents have come to my brother and me for financial assistance. My father quit his job two years ago because he “didn’t like it” and my mother has since racked up $20,000 in credit card bills. Whenever I phone my dad and ask about applying for jobs, he gets upset and hangs up on me. They are now at risk of losing their condo and I have laid out several hundred dollars a month over the last year to help them make payments. Should I cut my parents off the financial assistance merry-go-round?
Signed,
Daughter of Financial Abusers
Dear Codependent,
Other columnists would suggest seeking professional financial mentoring. Sorry, but the odds that any such counsel will help are remote. The chances are nil if the root of the problem is alcoholism, for which the probability is nearly 100%. Your dad showed zero responsibility when he quit his job in the middle of a recession without another ready to replace it. By itself, it could be gross stupidity, however unlikely. But he also hangs up on you and God knows what else. One of the numerous behavioral indications of alcoholism discussed in How to Spot Hidden Alcoholics: Using Behavioral Clues to Recognize Addiction in Its Early Stages is “reverse telephonitis,” which is precisely this behavior. The best thing you can do for your parents is to tell them you love them so much you are cutting them off. Tell your dad that only when he’s in a confirmed program of sobriety will you discuss any return to financial assistance, and then only for a limited duration. And if they lose their home in the meantime, so be it (just don’t let dad move in with you and before you consider letting mom move in, rule out alcoholism in her). Always keep in mind, the pain from consequences must be greater than the pleasure of use, that we cannot predict how much pain is required and our only logical course is to lay it on as much and as hard as possible. It’s enough only when the addict cries out, “I’ll try sobriety.”
(Source for story ideas: Ask Amy, April 12, 2011, April 13, 2011 and March 16, 2011 respectively.)