How could he do that?! Of course. He’s an alcoholic.
Alcoholic husband dates the wife’s best friend
Dear Doug:
Several months ago I asked my alcoholic husband, John, to leave the house we share with our children. His life continues to spiral out of control even after a stint in rehab.
Throughout, I have confided in my friend Stephanie about our marital woes. Recently, John asked if I’d mind if he began dating. I told him to go ahead—but guess who he asked out: Stephanie. I couldn’t believe it when she agreed; worse, she sent me emails that were filled with inappropriate language in which she described her feelings for him.
After I let them both know of my anger, they broke it off. But neither of them understands why I feel betrayed. Are there any words I can use to show them what was so wrong about their behavior?
Signed,
Betrayed
Dear Codependent,
Other columnists might suggest that you not waste your words and instead keep your mouth shut. The futility of trying to explain your reaction will only drive you crazy. You already told them how you feel and you got what you asked for: they broke off their relationship. Other columnists might also suggest that if you must say something more, use these words: “I can think of no two people better suited for one another.”
These are choice words and really not a bad response. However, I’d first point out that your husband’s rehab failed. If he had remained sober, his life wouldn’t continue to spiral out of control. Then I’d ask: what do you expect of a practicing alcoholic and another likely one? Addicts, in their insatiable quest to wield power over others, sometimes act in ways that drive us crazy. We need to keep in mind we’re dealing with brain-damaged individuals with whom we cannot reason. That’s why we must, if we have any hope of staying sane, simply say to ourselves, “He’s an alcoholic. He’s doing what alcoholics do.”
(Source for story idea: Ask Amy, November 1, 2010.)