Be blunt about alcoholism and set him up for a DUI.
My friend, the doormat
Dear Doug:
My friend has been married for 11 years to a man who drinks daily and comes home and picks fights with her. She used to verbally take him on, but now seems numb and acquiesces to his every demand. I’ve suggested she leave him and offered her a place to stay, but she refuses and instead only complains about him. Is there anything else I can do?
Signed,
Concerned friend
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Dear Friend of Codependent,
Other columnists might tell you that you cannot compel your friend to change her life, but should continue to offer to help her break her free of the abuse. They’d suggest you offer to attend an Al Anon meeting with her. Such columnists would be inferring alcoholism in the husband, but wouldn’t be blunt about it.
You need to be blunt.
The man has alcoholism which, giving him the benefit of the doubt, best explains his nasty behaviors. He will not change unless and until he gets sober.
She won’t even threaten to leave him, without which he will not be inspires to seek sobriety. As is all-too-common, the best chance to get him sober is from outside the family.
This is where conspiracies can help. You wrote that he “drinks daily and comes home.” You’re telling us he drinks and drives. Alcoholics almost never get sober without some sort of external coercion or threat of severe consequences. A DUI is perhaps the best form of legal intervention, which many recovering alcoholics credit with having gotten them sober.
Our law enforcement system is not structured to set up alcoholics for arrests for DUI. However, if you can find out where he works and the location of the after-work watering hole, and if you can get the police involved, you just might be able to help your friend. Because she is so unwilling and has become such a doormat, this may be your only chance.
Some may call this a pipe dream. However, until and unless there is a demand from folks like you for this sort of proactive police involvement, nothing will happen. Maybe you can help to bring about the change needed to increase the odds of DUI where it’s most needed.
(Source for story idea: Ask Amy, October 27, 2010.)
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