Alcoholism or meth-head? The crazier the story, the more likely it’s meth.
Story from “This is True” by Randy Cassingham, with his “tagline:”
“SURE-FIRE OUTCOME: Sheriff’s deputies in Dona Ana County, N.M., found a man along a highway wearing no clothing trying to hitchhike a ride to a hospital — he was suffering from severe burns. When deputies asked for his story, the 47-year-old man said he had lost a bet with buddies, and had to honor it by letting his friends set him on fire. They started with his prosthetic leg, he explained, which then set his clothes on fire so he took them off. The bet, he said, was over who could drink the most beers. He lost when he drank the fewest — six — and confirmed to deputies that he allowed the mayhem. He was taken to a burn center. (Las Cruces Sun-News) …OK, now consider this: he was more sober than that when he made the bet.”
One week later Randy included this shocking update:
“THE EVERCHANGING STORY: A man who told sheriff’s deputies in Dona Ana County, N.M., that he had lost a drinking bet and thus allowed friends to set him on fire (This is True, last week) has had his story unravel. When the tale hit newspapers, a ‘credible witness’ came forth to tell investigators what really happened to the man, who is now identified as Randy Malone, 47. The witness said he gave Malone a ride, and Malone was fine. During the ride, the witness says, Malone lit a crack pipe. The upset witness told Malone to get out of his car, and says Malone put the lit crack pipe into his pants pocket, and that’s apparently what set him on fire. Malone has been charged with making false statements to investigators. There is a warrant out for his arrest, but so far, detectives say, Malone is ‘in hiding’. (Las Cruces Sun-News) …Remember, detectives: where there’s fire, there’s smoke.”
First conclusion: Sheriff’s deputies apparently wouldn’t know an alcoholic if it hit them in the face. Who else would make such a wager? Second conclusion: If it’s a really stupid antic, it’s usually crack or meth. Third conclusion: Never believe an addict. Even if his rendition of the story paints him in a bad light, the true story is probably much worse.
(Story and tagline from “This is True,” copyright 2010 by Randy Cassingham, used with permission. If you haven’t already subscribed to his newsletter—the free one at least, or the paid one I get, with twice the stories—I highly recommend it: www.ThisIsTrue.com.)