Disenabling son impeded by enabling mother
Laying blame
Dear Doug:
My son refuses to respond to his cousins’ text messages because they both have a history of using drugs. How can I explain to my son that the drug use is not his cousins’ fault, and that it’s their mother’s fault because she has had longstanding drug issues?
Signed,
Trying to get the kids together
. . . .
Dear Codependent,
Other columnists would suggest your son should be trusted to use his own judgment. They might have you encourage him to understand whatever drives the cousins but warn you that forcing him into a relationship could spell trouble. They’d also tell you that it’s possible there is more to the story than you know.
Such columnists would be tip-toeing around the issue, which is familial alcohol and other-drug addiction. They would be ignoring the danger to your son and to you, as well, should you become re-involved with practicing addicts. They also would be missing a key component to this: your son somehow understands the problem far better than you do.
One cannot trust, depend on, believe or rely on an addict who is not sober. Crucially, no one can predict how destructive a practicing addict may become or when. Therefore, it’s incumbent upon you to determine whether the family has found sobriety. If not, learn from your son: accept the idea that the wisest course of action is for him to ignore the messages and for you to do so as well.
If you want to rebuild the previously destroyed relationship with this family, you will need to get a good “feel” for addiction in order to give you a good eye for a likely relapsed addict. Drunks, Drugs & Debits may be the right book for both you and your son.
(Source for story idea: Ask Amy, June 28, 2010.)