Obvious drunk needs sobriety, not “dialogue.” More rot from Dear Annie.
I have a secret
Dear Doug:
My father and I have always had a terrible relationship. Throughout my youth, he often yelled at me and was frequently extremely rude, boorish, critical, sarcastic and angry for no apparent reason. One time he was so angry he threw me out of a slow-moving car. I attempted suicide in my late teens and 20s three times and Dad refused to visit me in the hospital. He acted the same way to my mother and sister.
He recently developed some life-threatening medical problems, which have me greatly concerned that I will never carry on any meaningful dialogue with him. And, I have a terrible secret I’d like to tell him before he dies. How do I tell him my terrible secret? Oh, by the way, he was once a heavy drinker, but drinks less now. I imagine it interacts with all the medication he takes.
Signed,
I have a secret
. . . . .
Dear Codependent,
Other columnists might suggest that you bring in a third party to facilitate a dialogue and that you tell him you care. They may ask you to consider the idea that you are trying to unburden yourself at his expense and that you examine your motives.
What incredible rot.
Your father has lifelong unchecked alcoholism. Forget about sharing any secrets with him; he won’t care, and it doesn’t matter anyway. The greatest gift you could give him is to conspire with the doctors and family to get him sober before he dies (Evel Knievel said he thanked God he got sober, even if only for the last six months of his life, because he was able to finally get to know his son). You will need to go beyond the usual doctors, because the ones he has are likely helping to fuel his addiction (the drug “interaction” you refer to is likely potentiation, which allows him to consume less alcohol and get the same godlike feelings as when he drank “heavily”). Get a top addiction doctor and interventionist and begin now to educate yourself and your family that alcoholism is responsible for all of the behaviors—from the yelling to the anger—that you describe.
(Source for story idea: Annie’s Mailbox, October 27, 2009.)