Telling her to get help doesn’t explain the behaviors. That can be important.
Dear Doug
A litany of suspects
Dear Doug:
My boyfriend and I have a 6-month baby boy. Although Jake was a serious drug addict when we met two years ago, he stopped doing drugs and even got his first job. We moved in together a year ago and I fell prey to his controlling nature. I used to have friends and now have none, because Jake doesn’t like them. I can’t leave the apartment unless he goes with me. I can’t have any money unless he gives it to me, and then he demands to know how I spent it.
Before he goes to work he takes our son’s car seat so I can’t leave. He calls ten times a day to “check” on me. He also kicks and pushes me and, after a particularly nasty fight, I found a knife under the sofa where he sits. I love Jake, but need to leave. How do I do it?
Signed,
Scared for me and my son
. . . . .
Dear Codependent,
Other columnists would get it right in stating emphatically that you are in a dangerously abusive relationship. They would even suggest that you call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.
I called the Hotline and asked what they would tell this young woman. They’d tell her to quietly, without arousing suspicion, gather important papers such as her drivers’ license and arrange for her to be taken to a shelter. They would suggest that she get a restraining order. They might even tell her Jake is either lying or is a dry drunk.
This is excellent advice. Since you want to get her to talk to a live human being who can tell her this and thereby increase the odds that she’ll act, maybe it’s ok that you skip the explanation. However, this doesn’t help us to understand the root cause of abusive behavior.
(Source for story idea: Annie’s Mailbox, February 17, 2009.)