Making her wait is controlling. Controlling is a sign of alcoholism. Alcoholism is an indication he could become lethal.
Wait for this guy? Huh?
Dear Doug:
My daughter, 21, never really had a boyfriend before she graduated from college. Suddenly, she moved out of our home (we’ve always been close) and into the house of a 45-year-old man whom she met playing on a sports team he coaches. When we asked to meet him, she said he would decide when. That was six months ago.
Although I attended several games, he not only hasn’t said a word to me but also never even looked at me”even though he knows full-well who I am. My daughter says he is nice, but she admitted he let her sit for three hours after a job interview he drove her to because he had to rotate the wheels on his truck. He said he’d co-sign for a car loan for her, but hasn’t so far. As close as we were, she hardly talks to me now and doesn’t visit from her boyfriend’s home, 40 minutes away, because he won’t drive her here. Should I just wait and let her be disappointed when it doesn’t work out?
Signed,
Concerned mother
. . . .
Dear Codependent of Codependent,
Other columnists might suggest that you do everything to stay on good terms with your daughter and maintain contact by offering to help her find employment and helping her with transportation by offering to co-sign on a car loan.
Huh? This guy is the ultimate control freak. He refuses to meet you, except when he decides. He let’s your daughter sit and wait for hours (you think that’s the only time?). He’ll decide if and when she drives. He’s potentially lethal.
You should do one thing: run a background check on him. That will likely confirm abuse in his past, alcoholism in his past and present and the possibility of a codependent spiral for your daughter. If this proves to be true, you need to do everything in your power to set up an intervention on your daughter, which will be designed by a qualified chemical dependency counselor with an open mind (they usually only lure addicts into recovery) with the goal of breaking the chains this man has your daughter tied to.
(Source for story idea: Ask Amy by Amy Dickinson, May 28, 2008.)