Clue to alcoholism: unreasonable resentments. The mother-in-law from hell is likely an alcoholic.
Mommy Dearest
Dear Doug:
After being married two years, my husband and I are awaiting the birth of our first child. My mother-in-law and I have spoken only once since the wedding, when she ended a vicious harangue by saying, “I hope God never blesses you with the gift of a child.” My husband claims he supports me, but I’m concerned about our child. I live in dread over the idea that as soon as his mother throws a fake crying fit about seeing the baby, he will give in despite my concern over the idea that if she cannot accept me she couldn’t possibly accept my child. Do you think I should cave in with him when the time comes (and it will)?
Signed,
Daughter-in-law dearest
. . . .
Dear Co-Dependent,
Other columnists might point out that having a new baby forces parents and grandparents to get along better. They would suggest that approaching her in a humble and compromising manner might evoke a similar response. If after telling her you’d like to get along and still feel justified in keeping your distance, such columnists would tell you to let your husband bring your child to see the grandparents and that she will no doubt adore the baby.
Try again? The odds of alcoholism based on just this one behavioral clue–a vendetta against her son’s bride–is in the stratosphere. We know this because one of the main admissions recovering alcoholics make is having had “unreasonable resentments,” something that non-addicts rarely if ever have. Grandma could turn into Mommy Dearest behind closed doors, the repercussions of which will affect your family for decades.
Not every alcoholic is as scary a parent or grandparent as was actress Joan Crawford, whose horrific behavior towards her adopted children was the subject of the book Mommy Dearest. The only clue I ever had about alcoholism in a friend’s father was when he suddenly put me out of his life–forever–over a political disagreement, long before I understood what I was up against. Years later I broached the subject with my friend by saying, “If I didn’t know any better, I’d wonder about your dad.” He admitted he never goes to his father’s house after 5 p.m. because of alcoholism-fueled arguments. But, near as I can tell he was a decent father and grandfather for decades and never engaged in the sort of extreme tirades for which some alcoholics are known.
While we can’t predict how awful the behaviors of a practicing alcoholic might become, we can ascribe high odds of a nastiness to which you would not want your worst enemy subjected. The proper steps to take are to find out how much she drinks or what pills she pops. Keep on looking until you prove addiction and then, when you think there must be another explanation, look again–sometimes you miss it the first time. If there is addiction, help your husband understand that if your baby is to be safe with his mother–and if he wants to see you treated as a family member–the first order of the day is to do everything in your collective power to coerce abstinence and get her into a program of sobriety. If she is not an addict, help your husband understand that she might as well be one–only it’s worse, because there is no cure.
(Source for story idea: Annie’s Mailbox, April 19, 2008.)