I’m an abused woman. What should I do?
Possessive, jealous, angry, controlling–
oh, and violent when drunk
Dear Doug:
My husband Pete is possessive, jealous and angry. We fight constantly and argue over everything. When I go to a store, he demands to know which store and when I’m going to be home. Sometimes, he checks my undergarments to see that I’ve returned home in the same pair I left with. Once, he turned violent when he was really drunk. I forgave, but will never forget.
I don’t want a divorce because he can be a really great guy, but I’m beginning to wonder. What should I do?
Signed,
Unhappily married
. . . . .
Dear Codependent,
While other columnists might simply explain that “Pete is showing signs of an abuser…and he is willing to hurt you,” that doesn’t get to the crux of the problem. Without getting at the root cause, if Pete doesn’t seriously injure you before you leave him, he’ll eventually injure or even kill someone else. We need to solve the underlying problem–which may even salvage the marriage.
Even if you hadn’t mentioned the drunken episode, other indications provide loads of evidence for alcoholism. With the violence and drunkenness linked, we can safely say that Pete has this disease. Due to the particular biochemistry Pete inherited, a blood alcohol level somewhere over .04 per cent (but often at .15 or .18) causes him to act badly, some of the time. Can you see that if alcoholism is the cause, the other issues can’t be mitigated until he gets sober?
The idea you need to grasp, accept and feel good about is that you must draw a line in the sand over drinking and getting into a program of sobriety. My book, Drunks, Drugs & Debits, will give you a gut feel for alcoholism, along with the understanding required to stop enabling and give him a clear-cut choice–the booze or you. You’ll even be able to do it with a clear conscience.
However, it is exceedingly unlikely that you can coerce abstinence by yourself. A qualified interventionist will set the proper stage for you and several friends, family and associates to lovingly explain to Pete that he has alcoholism and, if he wants to save the relationship, he must immediately begin a program of sobriety.
He also may need to confront his own background. The form that alcoholism takes in terms of misbehaviors is a function of one’s environment, circumstances and upbringing. He may have had an alcoholic parent, which resulted in the particularly controlling form of alcoholism he has. Don’t expect miracles early on, because he may need counseling to get past childhood issues.
(Source for story idea: Annie’s Mailbox, October 16, 2007.)