Elder helper abused by siblings. Alcoholism?
Dear Doug: Elder Helper Abused by Siblings
Dear Doug:
For 10 years I was the main caregiver for my elderly parents and had no life of my own. While I spent many sleepless nights by their bedsides, my siblings pursued their careers, built retirement nest eggs and purchased mansion-sized homes. Because our parents did not need to go into a retirement home, we all received a substantial inheritance.
When our folks died, my brother and sister demanded that I move so the house could be sold. My sister screamed abusive invectives at me when she couldn’t get her hands on Mother’s dining room set and lied that I had stolen our Mother’s collectibles, which were later found in my sister’s home. While I was in the process of moving out and away overnight, they changed all the locks without my permission. They also kicked in doors, rifled through my belongings and took our parents’ property.
After being treated for depression as a direct result of this nightmare, I am doing much better. However, years later they are sending me emails, acting as if nothing happened asking to visit my new home hundreds of miles distant. I get sick when I think about their horrible behaviors and no longer want to associate with them. How can I gracefully make sure they don’t visit?
Signed,
Former Helper
. . . .
Dear Codependent,
Other columnists might suggest your siblings were simply guilt-ridden when your parents died and they now realize their behavior was abysmal and want to reconnect. Such columnists would correctly tell you that if they show up, since they sound like vultures you can politely tell them you are not entertaining visitors and shut the door.
However, this story is reminiscent of others I have heard when dealing with estates and trusts involving not just vultures, but alcoholics. By the time the parents die, long-standing alcoholism has become obvious to everyone–and in my tax practice I have found almost no exceptions so far in diagnosing the disease as the culprit for horrific misbehaviors revolving around deaths.
There are two particularly powerful indications suggesting your story is no exception to the rule: your sister lying about the collectibles and doors having been kicked in. Lying is part and parcel of alcoholism, and few people other than addicts would be so bold as to make a false accusation of an act about which they were themselves culpable. And virtually every adult committing an act of vandalism has the disease of alcoholism. Therefore, the odds are extremely high that both of your siblings are alcoholics.
For your own mental and physical well-being, you need to assume alcoholism and deal accordingly, which requires that you draw a line in the sand. You no more need to be graceful in blocking a visit than you need to be subjected to their whims. You should forcefully, without equivocation and with a clear conscience, tell them in an email that you assume by their behaviors they are alcohol or pharmaceutical drug addicts and until they are in a program of recovery you want nothing to do with them. If they continue to behave as if they might just “show up” on your doorstep, talk to your local police about getting a restraining order. Unfortunately, they won’t give you one unless you can prove they are dangerous, but at least there will be a record that you asked, which may serve to increase response time if needed. That won’t prevent you from telling the siblings you already have one.
(Source for story idea: Annie’s Mailbox, July 14, 2007.)