Mommie Dearest comes the wedding
Dear Doug: Mommie Dearest
Dear Doug:
My mother and I have not gotten along since my early school years, when she frequently embarrassed me in front of my friends. Unfortunately, this made me hesitate before inviting her to my upcoming wedding, but since she’s my only living relative I felt she should give me away.
She was so excited she had me invite her friends. When she found out about the open bar we will have at the reception, her friends turned out to be her drinking buddies.
My mother is volatile and unpredictable. In one recent fit of anger, she made ugly remarks about my wedding; a week later, she acted as if such comments were never made. I don’t know how to un-invite her, but I really don’t want my in-laws to meet her. What should I do?
Signed,
Daughter Dearest
. . . .
Dear Codependent,
Other columnists would tell you eventually your in-laws will meet her so you may as well bite the bullet now. I would agree.
They might suggest that you not invite the drinking buddies, but if you do have the bartenders keep an eye on them. They’d suggest asking a friend or even hiring someone to watch over your mother and to keep her from drinking too much and causing problems. Since it’s too late for other measures, I would reluctantly agree but would suggest the “hiring” idea since you want someone who can forcibly whisk her (and her friends if need be) from the reception so she doesn’t ruin the most important day of your life.
However, this needs to be taken much further. Because of the stigma of alcoholism, you refrained from calling a spade a spade. I will. Your mother’s an alcoholic. She needs sobriety and will become a much better person for it. There may be nothing you can do before your wedding. However, you may be able to use the wedding to set the stage for intervention.
Hire an extra videographer, whose job will be to discreetly focus on your mother’s behaviors. While she may not act out, the odds are at some point she will. You can use the video of her misbehaviors as the centerpiece evidence at an intervention. Proof of having acted badly at your wedding will not only serve as a powerful incentive to try sobriety, but also as a permanent reminder, which may keep her sober.
To help you get past the stigma preventing you from accepting the fact of alcoholism in your mother, which is a prerequisite for setting the stage for intervention, I would recommend that you read Alcoholism Myths and Realities: Removing the Stigma of Society’s Most Destructive Disease. Then, so you can uncompromisingly disenable with a clear conscience, read Drunks, Drugs & Debits from page 1 through at least page 235, along with Chapter 12.
(Source for story idea: Annie’s Mailbox, May 10, 2007.)