Do not enable by giving money that isn’t hers
Dear Doug: Indian Giver
Dear Doug:
My daughter gave me a lotto ticket for Mother’s day, which turned out to be a $10,000 winner. I promptly gave my daughter $2,000 of the winnings, thinking that she’d be thrilled. Instead, after telling her husband, she called her father and told him she should be given 50% of the winnings, not 20%. My husband explained that the ticket was a gift to me and I was under no compunction to return even 20%, much less half of the winnings. Our daughter abruptly hung up on her dad and has not called back. It’s been three weeks already and I’m concerned we will never get to see our grandchildren again. What should we do?
Signed,
Giver
. . . .
Dear Giver,
Other columnists might admit that the tickets were a gift, the winnings belong to you and your greedy and ungrateful daughter is wrong, but you should grit your teeth and give the additional $3,000 ransom to create peace in the family.
Hogwash.
“Intimidates others to get his way”is clue number 21 in the “Supreme Being”complex section of my book, “How to Spot Hidden Alcoholics.” Intimidating others is indicative of a need to win at any cost and is, therefore, symptomatic of alcoholism. While there are no other clues to addiction in your letter, this is a compelling one that should raise the antennae. You need to look for other clues and, if alcohol or other-drug addiction is confirmed, allowing your daughter to “win”will serve only to further inflate her ego, resulting in far worse behaviors down the road.
There is no easy answer except patience while you confirm or disconfirm addiction. If the cause isn’t her alcoholism, look for the disease in persons close to her, particularly her husband. Once identified, do everything possible to impose consequences for misbehaviors and don’t give up. If she is the afflicted person, intervene. If someone near her is afflicted, explain the likely source of her frustrations. Whatever you do, don’t compromise. Giving in only prolongs the agony. And remember, things take time.
(Source for story idea: Annie’s Mailbox, July 17, 2006.)