Dear Doug: Closet Abuser
Dear Doug: Closet Abuser
Dear Doug:
After 30 years of verbal, emotional and even occasional physical abuse, I have finally filed for divorce. I am looking forward to my new found freedom.
The trouble is that I have hidden the abuse all-too-well. Our friends and family, who see my husband as a wonderful, caring man, haven’t a clue. I look like the wicked witch and have already lost several 30-year friendships, along with his side of the family.
What should I do with people who judge me without knowing the real story?
Signed,
Closet Abused
. . . . .
Dear Abused,
Other columnists would say that if others were told the whole story, many would believe you. They’d essentially tell you to move on. And while that’s tempting, it would do nothing to solve the problem.
You have an opportunity to show other women what happens when they hide abuse and allow it to continue for decades. There is little doubt the abuse started shortly after you were married, if not before. You may have had children who suffered as well, who may be scarred and in need of counseling. The odds are 80-90% that your soon-to-be ex-husband has alcoholism, which is the root cause of the decades of misbehaviors.
If true, you have an opening to help others understand that if you had acted early in the marriage and nipped the alcoholism in the bud instead of divorcing in your 50s, you might still be happily married and looking forward to retirement with someone who may have been the love of your life. Since alcoholism tends to run in families, there is a greater likelihood of the disease in others on his side of the family than in the overall population. You can help a family at risk to grasp the idea behind the term, “tough love.”
Besides, why should you look like the cad? You’ve suffered long enough. While the subject of alcoholism will be difficult to broach, doing so will offer the possibility that something good will have come from your decades of suffering.
(Source for story idea: Annie’s Mailbox, December 7, 2005.)