Dad wants to “pop in” to meet his 4-year old. Don’t let him.
Drug-addicted felon-dad
Dear Doug:
My four-year-old daughter’s father hasn’t been in our lives since she was born. Out of the blue, he sent her a birthday card and mentioned he might “pop in” to see her at some point. Since he didn’t bother to show up in court for our divorce hearing, he may not be aware that the decree stipulates “no contact.” I didn’t give her the card, but I wonder if this was wrong. By the way, he has a bad drug problem and has been in and out of prison.
Signed,
Cares about her daughter
Dear Codependent,
Other columnists might suggest that because of your daughter’s age, you should not show her the card. However, he is at least reaching out, which calls for a response. They’d tell you to send him a copy of the court order, tell him any communication must go through you and he’d better not “pop in.” Then such columnists would blow it: they’d say if he is truly motivated to have a relationship with your daughter, you should work out a way to do this.
No you shouldn’t.
If he was sober, he would have written to you and apologized for his misbehaviors. You must assume he is not sober and, therefore, a danger to both you and your daughter. You should contact the police to see if anything can be done other than your “no contact” order, which is the sort of order that’s frequently violated to the great detriment of those it’s supposed to protect. Do nothing to encourage him or let him think he’s got a shot at seeing you or your child any time soon. He must earn that right, which will require at least several years of sobriety.
By the way, the first sentence suggests, by itself, a near-certain indication of addiction: parents don’t become uninvolved in a child’s life without alcoholism.
(Source for story idea: Ask Amy, October 15, 2013.)