Immature Parents–an Indication of Alcoholism
Dear Doug:
My son and daughter-in-law, after neglecting their twin toddlers for the first three years of their lives, are now divorcing. While the mother went out drinking and cheated on him, our son did what he could to feed and bathe the children. Because there was often no food in what was usually a filthy house, my husband and I helped with the groceries and cleaning.
My son is experiencing bouts of depression while the mother, who is supposed to bring them to us for babysitting in a shared custody arrangement, takes them to the YMCA. Contrary to court order, she frequently brings her male friends to her home when the kids are there. This can’t be good for my grandchildren: one is exhibiting what seems to be a serious lack of emotions and the other is acting overemotional and sometimes out of control.
We love our grandchildren but, in our 60s, don’t think it would be good for anyone if we end up with them. Please help.
Signed,
Grandparents
. . . . .
Dear Grandparents,
Other columnists might point out that the children have two very immature parents. They are immature, however, for a reason that must be taken into account when attempting to solve the problem: your daughter-in-law has the disease of alcoholism and your son is suffering from codependency.
Alcoholism causes the afflicted person to act in ways contrary to their true nature. The destructive behavior takes numerous forms, one of which is a self-centeredness that puts even the needs of their own children in second place to their own perceived desires. It often takes form in sexual promiscuity, even with the children nearby.
While other columnists might naively suggest she appears ready to give up the children voluntarily, alcoholic egomania may cause her to dig in her heels if threatened with losing them. In a courtroom battle, she might make false accusations against your son that will not be flattering. Your son’s truths may be no match for the believability of her lies. To keep her victims safe, you should treat her as an adversary capable of any horrific misbehavior.
You should do everything you can to keep the children away from her and to let the law intervene. Bear in mind no one”including law enforcers”can detect an alcoholic with a blood alcohol level up to three times the legal limit by appearances alone. Do your best to conspire with local police or child protective services to have her arrested for DUI or any other abusive behavior.
By the way, your son is experiencing a typical reaction to the insanity of dealing with an alcoholic. As Christopher Kennedy Lawford puts it in his new autobiography, the worst part for a child of an alcoholic parent is the inconsistency in behaviors. It also negatively affects adults, who haven’t a clue as to why the person is acting this way. Understanding alcoholism will help your son out of his depression and show him he must proactively do everything possible to get his children out of harm’s way.
(Source for story idea: Annie’s Mailbox, August 17, 2005.)