An uninvolved mother and an alcoholic–but I repeat myself.
Biological mom is no mom at all
Dear Doug:
I’ve been involved with a wonderful man who has three children from a previous marriage. I love these kids and don’t mind serving the role of their biological mother, who’s rarely around.
I have a problem with a mother who doesn’t act like one. She had her driver’s license pulled because of her refusal to pay court-ordered child support (the father has full custody). She has had no contact with the kids for nearly a year, while the kids are continually asking when they will see her.
If she ever calls should we tell her to leave us all alone?
Signed,
Concerned would-be step-mother
Dear Codependent,
Other columnists would tell you your role is to offer emotional attachment and a mature attitude towards their chronically disappointing mother. The kids have been abandoned; you should help the children handle her absence appropriately. If she ever calls, you don’t need to tell her to leave you alone—she’s already done that. Such columnists would make a number of other suggestions, including helping the children grieve. This is all good counsel.
However, the one thing other columnists wouldn’t say, at least overtly, is perhaps this abandonment is for the good. For a mother to abandon her children, substance addiction in the mother is almost always the culprit. A relationship with the bottle (or pills or powder) trumps those with other human beings, even one’s children.
If she does have addiction, contrary to the common belief that mothers and children shouldn’t be separated, because she’s potentially dangerous while using—consider the “victims of the month,” above—the kids should not be in contact with her until she’s sober. Keep in mind the stories of codependents in Drunks, Drugs & Debits: until I interviewed them, they were usually blind to the possibility of addiction even in those closest. Find a counselor who understands addiction, how dangerous addicts can be and how to counsel children who have been subjected to abuse by their mother.
(Source for story idea: Ask Amy, June 11, 2013.)