Financial self-abuse is frequently a clue to alcoholism. Get your alcoholic son sober–first.
My son keeps getting deeper into debt
Dear Doug:
My son, who doesn’t earn enough to cover regular expenses, spends some $400 monthly on beer and cigarettes. He and his wife owe $15,000 on five credit cards and over his wife’s objections he just bought a new flat-screen TV. He refuses to see a counselor. What can be done?
Signed,
Concerned and frightened father
Dear Codependent,
Other columnists might suggest that your son turn his paycheck over to his more responsible wife. They might also suggest divorce, keeping in mind your daughter-in-law would still likely be on the hook for the debt. They’d say she could try earning more, which would only serve to further subsidize and thereby exacerbate your son’s irresponsible behavior. A fourth approach would be to allow them to ride the train to the bottom, resulting in cutting up the credit cards and, if they own, losing their home. They’d suggest she look into credit counseling. Finally, other columnists might suggest she (and you) consider attending Al-Anon meetings.
Other columnists, while finally hitting the mark, have it bass ackwards.
Your son has the disease of alcoholism. That comes before everything else because, as all addicts do, he experiences distortions of perception and memory that manifest as poor judgment and, in his case, irresponsible spending behaviors—and who knows what else behind closed doors (your daughter-in-law is likely experiencing at least tremendous verbal abuse). While some of the suggestions may help your son bottom-out, without someone involved forging the link between his problems and the booze he’s likely to spiral down further to an even lower bottom. Turning the paycheck over to his wife serves only to enable, as would riding the train to a bottom with him. Since alcoholism is the underlying cause of all of his problems, his addiction must be addressed before anything else can be fixed. During an intervention with a qualified interventionist, she must give him an ultimatum: either he stops drinking and attends AA, or she walks. Only in sobriety can the addiction-fueled irresponsible behaviors be addressed and be expected to dissipate.
You are observing one variation on the theme of the nearly-countless adverse consequences of alcoholism. Cause and effect must be viewed in the right order: he drinks not because of poor spending behaviors and God-knows-what-else; instead he has poor spending behaviors, etc., because of an alcoholism-fueled sense of invincibility and entitlement. The cause of your son’s misbehaviors must be assumed to be alcoholism until proven otherwise. The only way to disprove the hypothesis is to inspire in him a need to get clean and sober and watch the misbehaviors dissipate. By far the best privately-imposed inspiration is the credible threat of concrete and severe consequences for failure. He must know that his wife will follow through and keep every promise, and she must do exactly that.
(Source for story idea: Ask Amy, July 25, 2012.)