Is she an alcoholic? A terrific exchange with a reader.
It is amazing to think back in my own experience and find undiagnosed alcoholism all around me. I could have written what Mark writes, obvious though it may seem now–with 20-20 hindsight and a new worldview of addiction. But back then, like Mark, I didn’t have a clue. His letter to me was heartwarming and at the same time tragic, but it offers all sorts of openings for instructive ideas.
Mark writes, with my comments in quotes, along with a mention of which of my books is likely the best source for additional information (DDD refers to Drunks, Drugs & Debits; AMR is Alcoholism Myths and Realities; H/A is How to Spot Hidden Alcoholics; GOW is Get Out of the Way! How to Identify and Avoid a Driver Under the Influence):
Dear Sir – I just finished your book Alcoholism: Myths and Realities and while informative it has not given me enough basis to make a fair assessment of a woman in my life. I realized that How to Spot Hidden Alcoholics may be better suited for my needs. I hope you can take a moment and read this email as I am desperately seeking advice and don’t know where to turn.
I recently ended a 4 year relationship with a woman because of her drinking. “You mean, you ended the relationship because of the behaviors associated with heavy drinking. This is a crucial distinction, because most people can drink and not act badly. It is only when alcohol or other drug use cause destructive behaviors that we should object to the use. And, we must link the use to the behaviors, which while unstated, you have apparently done. (See AMR myth number 47.)” I have been trying to convince her for years to talk to someone about her drinking but she always refuses. “Because of distortions of perception and memory particular to those having the disease of alcoholism who drink, she is incapable of self-diagnosis. Rational discourse is impossible with a practicing alcoholic. That is why such efforts are invariable futile. The distortions are discussed at length in DDD.”
I realize that I have been both her enabler and supporter as well as trying to get her help. “You have been her enabler–sexual, psychological and/or financial. We cannot get help for alcoholics in the time-honored way as with other diseases. The only help we can give a practicing alcoholic is driving them to AA or similar meetings. GOW has a terrific epilogue on an addict who realized the DUI inspired in her a need to get sober. In a very public forum, she thanked the astonished cop for doing what needed to be done. DDD gives a feel at a gut level that what I call disenabling is the only recourse for the codependent.”
Alcoholism is something that I don’t know enough about to make an educated judgment. “Hardly anyone understands anything about alcoholism, because alcoholics have done a miserable job of communicating their disease to non-alcoholics. AMR is the first book to categorically dispel the myths that recovering alcoholics and even chemical dependency experts are largely responsible for creating.” Part of me feels guilty that I have decided to remove myself from the situation rather than continue to fight her into getting help. “No, no, no. Feel no guilt. Short of intervention, removal is all you can do. Just make sure you have told her–when her blood alcohol is zero–that you love her, and when she is ready for a program of sobriety, you will be there for her. DDD, again, gives the feel you need at the gut level to not only disenable, but to do so with a clear conscience.”
The final straw came at a outdoor food & wine event in the Berkshires of Massachusetts. She became so drunk that when we were leaving she fell down and stayed on the ground sort of pretending that she was resting. “Classic.” Later when I confronted her with this she thought I was lying and couldn’t even remember this happening. “She may have been in a blackout, during which time events do not enter the memory banks. Since there is nothing to remember at such times, she may be telling the truth. Do not argue with her about this or anything else–it’s all a waste of time. (Blackouts and euphoric recall–where the addict recalls everything in a self-favoring light–are discussed from different vantage points in each of the books, but probably best in DDD.)” As we exited (I was driving) within 2 minutes she was asleep (out cold?) and slept for an hour on the ride until she woke up needing to urinate. Having recently passed the last rest stop for many miles she demanded that I pull over on the highway for her to get out and urinate. Which I did. “Which she would likely have never done had she been sober.” When we got to her house I confronted her with all this a waste of time and we fought “that’s normal when you argue with chemistry (I explain what happened to the great comedian Phil Hartman, who argued with Brynn, in AMR–remember the story?).”
I stupidly gave her an ultimatum to call someone for help or I was leaving. She chose for me to leave. “The trouble is, what you call an ultimatum–and what I call setting your boundaries and giving her a choice–should have been offered the first time you saw her drinking and behaving badly. In other words, some time during the first few months of your relationship. And very likely, at or near the get-go, but addicts can be on extremely good behavior for a time when beginning a new courtship. I discuss early behavioral clues to alcoholism at length in H/A. After reading H/A, you will be able to tell me you never would have gotten involved beyond the first few weeks–and possibly the first few hours–had you read it before your first date. H/A and/or DDD would have likely prevented you from ever getting involved in the first place.”
Here are the cold facts:
She blamed me for her excessive drinking “Blame, blame, blame–quite normal, as discussed in H/A and DDD” because I wouldn’t agree to marry her and give her what she wants (a child, family…) “Any excuse will do. Almost any recovering alcoholic will tell you they did the same thing with their close people.” – yet many times in our relationship I did agree to marry her and her drinking was relatively the same during these happy times as well. “See? Your behaviors had nothing to do with her drinking. Nor do sad times or happy times. She drinks addictively because she can. She acts badly when she drinks because the particular effect of the chemistry on the brain of the addict causes egomania and the need to wield power over others, the two of which feed on each other and which manifest as misbehaviors. Various facets of poor behaviors are discussed from different angles in each of my books.”
She drinks every day. “Many alcoholics drink only weekly or monthly or yearly. No matter: the only question is, what are the resulting behaviors? If bad and such behaviors occur more than once, we can confirm alcoholism.” During the week she drinks 1-2 bottles of wine a night “at 120 pounds and assuming she drinks over a period of four hours, her blood alcohol level reaches .12 to .30 per cent, where you and I would be bombed to comatose” (she never drinks until 5pm – quitting time “many alcoholics in recovery admit they never drank before 5pm and, therefore, in their minds weren’t alcoholics” ) she works out of her home. “How convenient!” On weekends she drinks at least 2 times that in a day. “Two to four bottles over 12 hours for a 120-pounder puts her at .18 per cent to an impossible .54 per cent, so she’s probably limiting it to three bottles, or a day is 24 hours (which would put her at a doable .36 per cent at the upper limit of four bottles), or she’s a heavier girl (at 200 pounds the comparable BALs would be .06 to .30 per cent over 12 hours). The most detailed explanation for these calculations can be found in GOW.” Her excuse is that she is just sitting at home and not hurting anyone so why should I care how much she drinks. “That’s a normal response for alcoholics. They really have no idea that their behaviors while drinking ruin relationships and destroy lives. I’m blunt: when I’m able to, I ask how many more relationships do you want to ruin, how many more lives do you want to destroy; how many tragedies will you allow to happen? For every tragedy that occurs in the life of the alcoholic, there were dozens if not hundreds of incidents for which close persons–or the law–could have intervened, but didn’t. DDD has story after story of financial tragedy. Daily news events offer an unlimited supply of personal and physical tragedy.”
She cannot stop herself. “She doesn’t want to stop–she feels like she’s God when she drinks. Note she acts that way, too. Would you want to stop drinking if it made you feel like God?” She drinks until it is bed time; or til she falls asleep (passes out) on the sofa. If we decide bedtime is 11:30 and she finishes her glass of wine at 11:15 she still gets up and gets another to finish in 15 minutes. She can never tell when she has drank too much and needs to stop – she drinks until she falls asleep. “For an addict, that’s a lot of drinking. The non-addict typically gets sleepy at a .08 and almost comatose at a .18 per cent. The addict is likely at a .30.” Many times at bed she can’t even tell where she is; she gets up in the middle of the night to make sure the dogs are in the house. “And if she drinks and drives–most alcoholics do, even if she’s the exception–many look at the car the next morning to see if there’s blood on the front bumper. Drinking and driving–and suggestions for legal interventions–are discussed in detail in GOW. You will likely see many of her driving behaviors there, even if she doesn’t drink during the day. However, she may be drunk during the day from the booze the previous night. Calculations can be found in GOW that will tell you if this is likely–which, from what you’ve shared with me, I can tell you is highly probable. You may even be able to get her a DUI while she drives to work in the morning.”
Her family consists of heavy drinkers. “Alcoholism runs in the family due to ancestry, which I explain in great and fascinating detail in DDD.” They go to Disneyworld several times (a week or so at a time) a year and they pretty much drink all day and night. I went one time and couldn’t keep up. “Of course you couldn’t–you (presumably) didn’t inherit alcoholism!” When we returned from that vacation the last thing I wanted to see was a drink and yet she was drinking the minute we got back. “As Mary Pickford said, one is too many and fifty are not enough.”
Even though we have broken up I care for this person “Of course you do! She’s charming and beguiling and sexy–which is a terrific way by which to control you. The subject of alcoholic charm is mentioned in all my books, but the discussion in H/A is probably the best and want her to get help. She needs to be coerced into abstinence, and will go kicking and screaming the whole way. GOW explains why a DUI may be the best legal intervention if you are not in a position to orchestrate a professionally-aided private intervention.” She denies that she has a problem; “She is incapable of self-diagnosis. Every recovering alcoholic will agree with the sentiment expressed by many at AA meetings: “Thank God I’m an alcoholic, because when I was drinking, I wasn’t.” ” like I said, I lack the knowledge and experience to comment for sure. “H/A and DDD will completely and irrevocably disavow you of any notion that she couldn’t have the disease of alcoholism.” It seems like it to me and what I read in your book also makes it seem like it.
Any comments you can give would be appreciated. thanks
“My pleasure, Mark. After you’ve read my books, you will look back and ask yourself why you couldn’t see the forest for the trees. I will tell you: alcoholism is the most misunderstood and understudied subject of importance on the planet. As I discuss in great detail in DDD, we cannot understand a subject that is taught wrongly in school, that is taboo in polite society and which is hardly ever accurately portrayed in the media. Just don’t beat yourself up over it; my own ignorance and subsequent discoveries were part of the impetus for writing my books. Good luck Mark–and keep me informed on your progress.”