So why do people abuse others?
I wrote this in response to a column on domestic abuse, which never once mentioned alcoholism as the root cause. The editor of the paper wrote back, “very interesting information,” but failed to publish my piece. Oh well.
Dear Editor,
Rob Rephan’s discussion omitted the crucial underlying factor in most abuse: alcohol and other drug addiction. Alcoholism in particular results in distortions of perception and memory that cause the afflicted person to view everything he or she does in a self-favoring light. This results in a god-like sense of self, which the addict feeds by wielding power over others. To accomplish this end, he or she sometimes engages in physical violence and always in its psychological counterpart.
Charm is a particularly perverse method of wielding power. Alternating abuse and charm keeps codependents unbalanced and, often, coming back. This is particularly true of children of alcoholics, who are used to the erratic behaviors and, hence, feel right at home with the addict’s capriciousness.
As a researcher in the field (I have authored four books on the subject and speak before chemical dependency professionals), I have found that understanding alcoholism is essential for the codependent’s recovery. It’s far easier to take an objective look at the abuser once we understand that we are dealing with a chemically-created Mr. Hyde. Few working in the field of domestic abuse ever point out that the source of the need to abuse is almost always rooted in alcoholism, a crucial point that Mr. Rephan also fails to mention. Yet every behavior described, from the abuse to the moodiness and unreasonable demands, are rarely found in non-alcoholics. This omission can lead the observer to continue trying to “work it out” with the addict; yet, once we understand alcoholism, we know that the behaviors cannot change as long as active addiction continues.