Broke sister acts badly. Look for alcoholism. Stop enabling.
Needy Sister
Dear Doug:
My 48-year-old sister is divorced and broke. She blew through an inheritance years ago. She’s been fired from several jobs, lost her home to foreclosure and is now continuously facing eviction. She’s a defendant in a lawsuit which, if she loses, could result in significant time behind bars.
She is always begging for money for food and dog food (she’s a breeder and says her dogs are her “life’s work”). She makes me feel guilty and has threatened suicide if I don’t help her. Our other sister cut her off after giving her more than $10,000 on top of the $12,000 or so I have given her over the years. I always seem to cave and have promised my husband time and again this will be the last time I “help” her. But how do I cut her off when I know she doesn’t have money for food, rent and utilities? Her unemployment and food stamps are simply not enough.
Signed,
Concerned about sister
Dear Codependent,
Other columnists might point out that your sister won’t change as long as you keep rescuing her. They might suggest that despite what could be mental health issues tell her you love her but will no longer contribute money, which only serves to keep her right where she is.
Other columnists would be missing the crux of the problem.
Yes, there are obviously mental health issues. However, the crucial question is this: is the primary problem a mental disorder or alcoholism? Since the latter is ten times more common, let’s go with the odds.
Your sister exhibits numerous behavioral indications of alcoholism detailed in How to Spot Hidden Alcoholics, which revolve around serial poor judgment, not only regarding finances but also her personal (divorce) and professional (job firings) life. The trouble is she has been repeatedly bailed out by you, the other sister and hapless taxpayers.
You must stop the enabling. As other columnists might suggest, tell your sister you love her but the private money stops now. However, you should go much further in linking the problems to her likely substance addiction by setting up an intervention with a qualified interventionist. You should educate yourself about alcoholism, along with anyone else who might succumb to her pleas. Only when you get the “feel” for alcoholism (which Drunks, Drugs & Debits is designed to provide) will you no longer be tempted to help her in a way that is guaranteed to prolong the problem and likely end in tragedy.
You might also write to your legislator and tell him or her that public money, whether from unemployment or food stamps, only serves to enable and exacerbate your sister’s almost certain alcoholism. You could suggest that random and regular screening for alcohol and other-drug addiction be required for all recipients of state aid. This would go further in coercing the abstinence required for sobriety to occur among down-and-out alcoholics, including your sister, than any other public policy tool. Good luck.
(Source for story idea: Ask Amy, August 9 2011.)