Dear Doug: Drama queen neighbor
Dear Doug: Drama queen neighbor
Dear Doug:
A neighbor seems to thrive on fighting with her husband to a degree that is deeply troubling. After one recent altercation, police hauled them both in. Having told all the neighbors he would have killed her had she not fought back, they were quickly back together. Amazingly, she told me she plans on resolving their problems by spending more time together. While I’ve lost any concern I had for either of them, I fear for the lives of their two young children. I’d love to know why some people seem to crave such drama and what, if anything, I should do about it.
Signed, Concerned Neighbor
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Dear Concerned Neighbor,
Other columnists might explain that your neighbor will do anything to be the center of attention and suggest that the next time she tells you about a fight, tell her you are reporting the incident to the child welfare department – and do so. However, suggesting a warning before making a report ignores the crucial reason she craves the attention (if she really does), which suggests such actions on your part could be potentially lethal.
The odds of alcoholism in any instance of domestic violence are 85%. The likelihood of addiction in one or both when each is guilty of repeated acts of violence border on certainty. Because this disease damages the neo-cortex, the human part of the brain responsible for restraining the impulses and survival instinct of the lower brain centers, the afflicted person can engage in unpredictably destructive behaviors, especially when the survival of their gene pool is at stake. Having a need to wield power over others, alcoholics have a particular disdain for being at the receiving end of an attack, especially one that may limit their control. Therefore, warning that you intend to take action may provoke an assault on you, which could take a number of forms including violence or false accusations. You do not want to become the target of such abuse.
Other columnists might also suggest that you give the wife the phone number of the National Domestic Violence Hotline. This ignores the possibility that she may be instigating the attacks, which could make her every bit as culpable as her husband. They both need interventions, legal or otherwise. Since you are in no position to intervene, report the problem to the local child welfare department and law enforcement agencies and ask for their guidance. And don’t tell anyone that you have done so.
(Source for story idea: Annie’s Mailbox, April 16, 2005.)
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And, a bonus letter: No contact with daughter
Dear Doug:
Twenty years ago, my 15-year-old daughter left my home to live with her mother. She was tired of my drinking, verbal abuse and inappropriate touching. Soon after, I began what is now a 20-year affiliation with AA. I have never relapsed and, in sobriety, would never dream of abusing anyone, much less my own daughter, with whom my ex-wife disappeared shortly after the move.
I would like to make amends and begin a healthy relationship with my daughter before I die. The few relatives who may know where she is have steadfastly refused to give me any info; I don’t know whether they have even informed her of my wishes. They don’t seem to think that people can change. I have been actively trying to reconnect for at least 10 years. Can you offer any suggestions?
Signed, Desolate Dad
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Dear Desolate Dad,
Other columnists might suggest you simply keep trying, because if your wish is sincere, a reunion would benefit everyone. Such a suggestion, however, would be incomplete without shedding light on the root of the problem, which may help convince relatives to cooperate.
Abuse of others is a behavioral attribute resulting from early- to middle-stage alcoholic drinking, which is, in turn, the source of most other-abuse. Failing to forge the causative link between the two leads to the belief that those who engage in hideous conduct are incapable of change. Yet, if alcoholism is the cause, as suggested by the observable fact that alcoholics in recovery have few serious character defects and rarely commit abuse, then change would be the norm for those in recovery.
Many, including your relatives, are rightly concerned over the high rate of recidivism among sexual abusers. However, if the abuse was a result of alcoholism (which may be the case in most instances of even sexual abuse), it is very unlikely to reoccur without a relapse first into chemical addiction. You need to be forthcoming and tell them about your alcoholism if you have not yet done so, attempt to educate them about the disease, offer to be tested for alcohol and other drugs before a reunion takes place and ask that you be chaperoned on neutral grounds. Make sure they understand there are no strings attached and that if your daughter never wants to see you again after the meeting, you will respect her wishes. Hopefully you will find she did not inherit your alcoholism. On the other hand, if she has the disease and is now sober, she will have a far better understanding of your true character than will others.
(Source for story idea: Annie’s Mailbox, May 13, 2005.)