Dear Doug: yet another undiagosed addict wreaks havoc in the life of someone who likely doesn’t have a clue.
Daughter in the dumps because of boyfriend
Dear Doug:
Our talented and beautiful daughter graduated with honors in music. While her peers are finding work as performers, she’s “too upset and depressed” to work because of her boyfriend, with whom she argues all night and over whom she cries all day because of their arguments. He dropped out of college, doesn’t work and lives with and off of his aunt because his mother kicked him out. Now we have our daughter’s student loans, car loan and bills staring us in the face. We’re almost ready to send her to live with this jerk’s aunt. What do you suggest?
Signed,
Concerned about our daughter
Dear Codependent,
Other columnists would suggest you tell your daughter to get a job to help pay the bills and that she join a local music group in the hope she can keep her skills fresh. They might also suggest you do all you can to get her to seek professional help. The trouble is the boyfriend exhibits numerous behavioral indications of alcohol and other-drug addiction. If correct, he is a terrific con artist, incredibly charming and pushes all the right buttons to keep your daughter off-balance and her decimate her confidence and self-esteem.
The best thing you can do is tell her you love her, do all you can to educate her about alcoholism and tell her she must move out of your home until she dumps the creep. Also make it very clear you will no longer pay off any of the loans. If the car loan is in your name take the car back and use it yourself or cut your losses and sell it. Destroy any credit cards in your name (be sure to call the credit card companies and freeze the accounts). If the student loan is in only in her name, so stop paying on it as well. Hopefully she’ll get the message—that you love her and she can’t help this guy—before she suffers too much damage.
(Source for story idea: Ask Amy, July 5, 2011.)