Don’t let your drunk mother see her grandchild.
Sloshed mom
Dear Doug:
My husband and I are both well-educated, own a home and are ready to start a family. My mom is less than enthused, however. We were out enjoying some drinks with my folks when mom, who seems to have been a bit sloshed, told me she wished my older brother and his wife would have a child first, “No offense intended.” They’ve been trying for years and, due to the cost of fertility clinics, have decided to stop trying until my sister-in-law earns her degree.
I’m obsessing over my mom’s comment and fear discussing it, because she may not remember she said it. I think we’ll make great parents; I only wish my mom was on board with us.
Signed,
Ready to be a mom
Dear Codependent,
Other columnists might point out that those who drink heavily often make inappropriate remarks. They would suggest you ask what she really meant. Perhaps, they might surmise, she was thinking of your brother and sister-in-law and the pain they are experiencing because of their inability to conceive.
Nonsense. Your mother’s a drunk. She thinks of nobody but herself, her drink and when and where she’s going to get her next drink. Good intent should never be read into anything an alcoholic says or does.
Such columnists might also suggest that you let her know her comment was hurtful and to give her a chance to clarify her intent, adding “if she even remembers saying it.” That is tacit acknowledgment that your mother may have been in a blackout, during which time events will never be remembered. A blackout is so frightening, non-addicts never have more than one; they never again drink so much. Based on your observation that your mom may not remember saying what we know she said, she’s already had numerous blackouts, which is something only an alcoholic experiences.
Other columnists might even suggest you ask her to cut down her drinking “because memory lapses can be a symptom of a drinking problem.” No, she shouldn’t “cut down.” She needs to stop and never drink again because, dear mother-to-be, your mom has the disease of alcoholism and alcoholics cannot moderate their use over extended periods. And because you never want a practicing alcoholic to be alone with your child, you’ll have a chance to coerce abstinence and hope for sobriety when you have your baby by enforcing a simple rule: mom gets no access without you there. And you could go further with this.
(Source for story idea: “Dear Abby,” August 3, 2014.)